love, not lust.

i want someone to hold.
i want someone to miss.
i want the feeling of another soul,
pressed against my lips,
and use the gift of nature,
that rests between our hips;
to build a strong foundation,
with no shakes, and no slips,
by bonding together our forces,
our powers that lie deap within,
to create and embrace a new begining,
that lives right beneath all our skin.
some say for us to feel guilty,
some say that this love is a sin;
and i feel sorry for their souls,
they haven't gone, where we've been.

my dreams.

my dreams,
are your eyes;
cloudy and light brown,
like the first signs of autumn,
staring me down
and seeing through.

my dreams,
are every freckle of your skin;
numbered and scattered,
like deserted leaves of winter.
a sign both of the end,
and a new.

my dreams,
are your hands;
hopeful and wanting,
like the first day of spring,
reaching out with anticitpation
and construed

my dreams,
are every beating of your heart;
restless and anxious.
like the shortened days of summer,
apreciated, cherished,
and pursued

my dreams,
are every breath and every touch;
meaningful and alive,
like everyday of the year.
taken for granted,
and of you.

on your own.

what was it that you saw?
tell me, what was it that you heard?
i ask you, what did you say,
you tell me you just aint sure
i'm giving you diseases
but you're not finding any cures
try looking to your heart for a change

so who was it that you found
when you went looking for a hero?
did you find what you needed
or, are you still coming up with zero?
you're reaching up so high
but man, those stairs are much too narrow
try looking to the sky for a change

so when you're feeling lonesome
or, when you're feeling scared
when you're biting at your nails
and pulling at your hair
who is call when your falling down those stairs?
try calling up me for a change

well you say you looked into your heart
and you found it was too weak
and you looked into the sky
but it's been raining here for weeks
so now you call me up,
but i'm not home, now you cant sleep
i guess you'll have to find your own way for a change

re-write.

i'm tired of making no sense
i need to find something with meaning
like back when i had answers
we thought that we knew everything

and this new world has me wondering
cause' it's got no defintion
i miss our world from long ago
the one i never had to question

and i dont know if im just looking for comfort
if i want my emotions to just read "content"
or maybe, this time, i just mean it
and this journey was just time well spent

but then again, we must remember, i'm crazy
who knows how i'll feel, or will act
and then, again, we must remember, our history
i can't hurt you again, not like that

so how do i know up from down?
and how do i ask, when you're not around?
all i can hear is the repeat of the sound
of that kiss of reassurance, before it all falls down

drop-in.

one man sleeps on the couch
while next to him, a girl sits on boy's lap
and anothers' making coffee
and they go off to do laundry
in the corner where she dreams
of clean towels
and fabric softener

and while you're off taking a shower
a boy sinks his battleship
and a punk girl reads the paper
with music in the background

he put's his feet up on the table
she woke him up before she
left to go make food
and now the man on the couch
dreams of speggetti
and garlic rolls

there's hairspray in her backpack
and soap up in a basket
pickles in their caskets
the vinegar is blood

pastries on the counter
no mugs to get their coffee
blank screen on the tv

she wakes him up again
tells him to go for a walk
"maybe it will wake you up"
but the man on the couch stays
taps his feet, and shuts his eyes

i think i may know this song

at least i tried.

i tried mapping out all of the sounds in this town
i tried to find the answers left unheard
but nowone had anything to say
their faces went blank and formed into a herd

the world is dead
there's nobody left
except for myself
and the friends in my head

i guess the world went crazy
but that's already been said
i just dont know if it's all in my head

i tried to blend in, careful not to make noise
i tried to find someone else, just like me
but i saw nothing in their eyes
just pale clouds and pure nothing, how could they see?

the world is dead
there's nobody left
except for myself
and the friends in my head

i guess the world went blind
but that's already been said
i just dont know if it's all in my head

i tried to calm down, shut my eyes for a while
i tried to grasp it all tightly, once last time
but it all slipped away, leaving the colors
and now my worlds' painted in black and white

boulder.

i walk with a boulder
that's tied to my back
a boulder of burden
a burden of hate
if i could release it
i'd make it home faster
but it's just not that easy
or, maybe i'm weak
my concience controls me
the empathy pulls me
the people, they tell me
get used to the hurt
you'll get over it someday
and be just like us
but i'm not them
and the pressure wont work
so i put down my boulder
let go of their actions
and i'll smile. when
they pass on the street
cause' hate is a burden
one i dont want to carry
i'll move on with
the next person i meet

bloody hell.

choking on the glass
from the bottom of a bottle
or the bullet from the barrelof a .45
might as well off yourself now, lad
shoot yourself right in the eye

sitting on a bench
in a park by a fountain
or sitting in the back
of a troubled bus
there's not use speaking your mind, lad
they'll never listen to us

we were the wishes
from the bottom of their hearts
the screams of their souls
apple of their eyes
looks like the apples' gone rotten, lad
so we'll just sit back and cry

everything.

while trying to bring it all back together
we lost some pieces along the way
should we go out and buy new one
and start over, or throw it away?
maybe we can just re-make the pieces, you say
no, i'm not taking the easy way out this time
not today

---

time passes like a ship sailing across the sea
stopping at the turnstile, waiting for you and me
should we move on and keep going?
they tell me to just "wait it out"
well, i tried that, i waited
all it got me was hatred
and the anger burned holes in my brain
i take the pain
let's just go

---

i've been trying to keep myself together for a year
i went throught the running, the screaming, the tears
this isnt giving up, it's letting go
i'm ready for the show
this time i'll listen

---

that light in my eye, casted a shadow between us
and the fear of the burning, destroyed all my trust
so even with me lighting the way, i cant see
nor, fill that great hole that is empty in me

---

re-emburse me now, for all that wasted paint
and that burden of sorrow, that made me grow faint
i know you cant, but if you could, you'd be a saint
and i know you would, but your heart is too daint

---

the knowledge of the math, of the splitting of the two, is gone
but the damage is done, so i'm left with just one
that pentiful sinner we know as "the son"
and he's lost now, so what have we won?

---

why is it always about winning
and putting things in their place?
why must i walk past the dying
and keep a smile on my face?
well, "hope' is the son of "abuse"
they feed you it to keep you confused

---

keep your keys in the bowl
and your teeth in a jar
your lies in your head
and your home at the bar

---

after all that is done, this is what you get
an addiction to time, and cheap cigarettes
and the memories of all of the people you've met
you're alone now, and that's all that's left

wait.

if it rains tonight
will you wait for then sun?
will you come with mewhen the time comes
to run away
into the light?
you've waited for so many nights

run, run, run, run
follow the sun
run, run, run, run
follow the sun

and if i follow through
and promise to stay
will you wait for me
while you're away?
do what you need
just come to me soon
i'll be here waiting for you

run, run, run, run
follow the sun
run, run, run, run
follow the sun

the top-ramen and kool-aid kids.

delicious and nutritious
yet vicious and malicious
but is it all ficticious
when your hanging with the mistress?

i dont know where i are
when the kool-aid jar is far
and you cant even drive a car
but your still chillin' at the bar

is it all still fun and games
when everyone you knows insane?
with monkeys coming out their brain
and fifteen-hundred years of fame

YOU DONT MAKE ANY SENSE
but i'll still hop your fence
and sell kool-aid for ten cents
save up, and buy some pixie sticks

scribble.

when i look at you,
your looking back at me;
and i start to think
that maybe
there is more beneath
then what we all can see.
but these ideas are
frivelous
and weak.

jester.

in a kingdom,
the jester speaks the truth.
but who am i?
certainly not the king.
but if everythings backwards,
and nonsense is at hand,
and were landing
jelly-side up
for a whole other stand,
then who the fuck am i?
i cant find a beat,
and i dont know any chords
it's like bad news,
velcro pants
and i'm fucking stoned,
and bored
the line is broken at the center
and we ran out of
wood for the bridge
who am i to judge?
nowone ever wakes up
on the right side of the bed
it's always the left
but if everythings backwards,
then who the fuck am i?
i COULD be the jester,
but i'm all kinds of fucked up
maybe i'm not asking the
right question here
and maybe everything isnt backwards
who are you?
who the fuck are you?

wind.

your up in the sky
getting off on attention
and burning everything in sight

she's up in the clouds
moving the waters
and illuminating the night

me, im invisable
all you see is my damage
when i come in and blow shit around

you both feel the tention
as i'm gaining attention
and starting to fuck with the clouds

so, how is the weather?
i'm sure that it's better
than how it was much long before

am i just a condiment
or a good accent?
the window to all your closed doors

i'm coming up out of nowhere
blowing the covers
striking fear in the storm

you couldnt see me,
all you could do was feel me
as i took on this effortless form

i'm seeing the signs
i'm finding the answers
they're written all over your face

and it's getting better,
no matter the weather,
i've finally fallen in place

experience.

clarify this intensity
and intensify my clarity
nothing makes much sense to me
i'm living in the imagery

i have a need to move and feel
and know that all this isnt real
i have a need to kiss the sky
and never need to answer why

i know that no matter the weather
things will always get better
and in this whole new world i've found
my feet will never touch the ground

just step into my arms
i'll take you to this special place
where you'll never have to be alone
and nothing is a waste

i've seen the difference between reality
and what weve all been told
let go of all my senses
and felt only my soul

mixed fruit.

in that one brief moment of calm silence
before everything was destroyed in the storm
i looked in your eyes, and saw beauty
but when it all came down to existance
and you came out to your new-made form
i looked in your soul and saw nothing

we were just two-lovers
we knew nothing about
the dangers of our guessings
how they'd carry out
so when you got all steamed up
i heard you shout
and i tipped you over
and poured you out

when you were cold to the touch as i held you
and i could see all the lies on your face
i looked at myself, and i wept
when i mourned of the death of our passing
i pushed away who tried taking your place
and i burned all the memories i kept

we were just two-lovers
we knew nothing about
the dangers of our guessings
how they'd carry out
so when you got all steamed up
i heard you shout
and i tipped you over
and poured you out

we'll put all our love in a basket
our hearts like mixed fruit in the blender
an all new drink made from concentrate
and meat too stale to be tender
what happened to the fresh aspect?
life with no flavors or dyes
you can put all of our love in a cooler
and it still melts in front of your eyes

we were just two-lovers
we knew nothing about
the dangers of our guessings
how they'd carry out
so when you got all steamed up
i heard you shout
and i tipped you over
and poured you out

unfulfilled.

to look in your eyes is to see your soul
when i look into yours, i see stars
they come shining through,
out through your smile
and theyre smiling at me
i am sure

yet, i cant help but feel a bit unfulfilled
whenever your looking my way
because you dont see me that same way
no, you dont see me that same way
do you even see me at all?

we fit together
our hands, our lips, and our hearts
but,
thats just me again
my wishful thinking,
throwing me into the wishing well
im drowing in pennies
cant you see?

im building myself up for failure
i know that youll never fully see my that way
not again
not like before
i messed it up and youve moved on
so youll only ever meet me half-way

and were sober
to it all
were sober to our falls
we are blind
your blind to how it could be
and im blind to how it is

and so...

maybe.

Its funny I should start it here. Beginning with my ending. I didn’t realize where I was going. I just started walking. Before I knew it, I was climbing over the railing. This is where I was conceived. This is also where my father died. And now, this is where I will die. Suicide may be a weak decision, but I never claimed to be strong. Really, I just have nothing better to do. I’m done taking care of my mom, sitting, no, living on the couch as if it were some sort of abyss, staring into the TV barely paying attention. Too busy being drunk. She just can’t handle life. Maybe she should be the one standing here. Much easier than drinking your life away. Quicker too. But she’s rather just rot away, I guess. Literally. From the inside-out. She’s pretty dead inside from what I can tell. I haven’t seen her smile in two years. Maybe longer. Not since my dad lost his job, got high, and decided to drive off this bridge. Doesn’t she understand that it was hard for me too? I was fourteen. I knew damn well what was going on. But does she notice? Of course not. She’s too busy wallowing in her own self-pity and relying on other people to take care of her. What a pathetic existence.
Now I’m crying. I don’t even know why. For my dad? My mom? Because it’s finally over? Who knows…it’s dark. All I can see are the stars and the moon shining on the river beneath me. Glistening. As if it were smiling at me; welcoming my fall. And now I’m smiling back. 1,2,3,4...I start to count…I’m about to jump when suddenly I am being grabbed from behind and pulled over the railing. Now I’m sitting on the ground and whoever it was has their arms around me. I turn around to see who it is and I am amazed at what I see. A girl. She has purple hair and it’s very long. She’s wearing all black. Her eyes are blue and seem to be glowing in the moonlight. She’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She’s smiling. I ask her what she’s doing.
Making a sandwich. What the fuck does it look like I’m doing? I’m saving your life.
You don’t even know me. Who are you to be “saving” me? I don’t need “saving”.
Obviously you do. You were standing on the edge of a bridge and you were about to jump. I’m pretty sure that that’s the perfect scenario of someone needing saving. Physically or otherwise. Why were you even on there? Your life can’t be that bad…
That’s none of your business, and you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Come with me.
She grabs my hand and stands, pulling me up with her. She starts running, my hand still in hers. I don’t know where were going and I can barely even see. I realize that I still don’t know who the hell this girl is. So I ask. I get no reply. Millions of thoughts race through my mind as we race through the grass. I still have no idea where we are going, or why, why she had just started running, and dragging me along with her. Were we even going anywhere? For some reason I don’t care. Nothing matters. Because for the first time, that empty hole that I have been feeling for the majority of my life, is gone. She has filled it. I have to get to know this girl. I’m falling in love with her and I don’t even know her name. But it doesn’t really matter does it? What’s in a name? My name is Billy. But the name doesn’t really fit. At least I don’t think so. Even so, I ask her again.
What’s your name?
Maybe.
Maybe what?
That’s my name.
Your name is Maybe?
Maybe. Does it matter?
Does anything?
Exactly.
And that’s how it all started. Billy and Maybe. We finally reach where we were going. Or at least, that’s what I presume. Were under the bridge. Strange to think that right about now, had she not, quite literally stumbled into my life, my lifeless body would be lying somewhere to the left of us.
There’s a crowd of people here. Mostly teenagers from what I can tell. Some as young as fourteen. But some as old as thirty. Do they all live here? I don’t know. I’m handed a beer. Someone asks me my name. I tell them.
Hey Billy. My names Jack. How do you know Maybe?
Long story.
It’s actually not a long story but it’s also none of his business and I’m kind of in shock of the situation and therefore not really in much of a sharing mood. I am however glad that he is and happily chug my beer. Realizing that I am “one of them”, just a hopeless kid with no apparent direction to be found, just trying to get fucked up so that maybe they can feel some sort of wholeness, more beers and more introductions are given to me. Their names are a blur, as well as their faces. The only person I can think about right now is Maybe. And for some reason Jack. I’ll soon find out that becoming his friend will prove to be a mistake, but now is not the time to get into that. Now is the time to get wasted. Though I’m pretty sure I have well accomplished that. Numbing myself with illegal substances now seems a lot more filling, and much more practical, than jumping off a bridge.
My, now very drunk and hazy-minded self, ventures off in search of Maybe. I find her doing lines off of a rock. We start to talk. What I said, I may never know, but it must have been good because I have sex with her that night.
I think I may have told her that I loved her. I don’t think she remembers in the morning. Or at least, she doesn’t mention it.
Pills are handed out. I don’t know what they are. I try to ask Maybe, but she hushes me and tells me to just take them.
So I do.
About half and hour or so passes by. By this time I have completely forgotten about taking the pills. I begin to recall doing so as I also begin to start feeling very, very good. Better than I have ever felt in my life. It feels as though every bad feeling I have ever felt, was just a joke and they’re all being burned away and I stand there looking at the flames, laughing.
I feel an overall sense of calm. As if, nothing could ever possibly go wrong. This very moment is when I realize that I have finally found my home.
These people, these drugs, this life!
They make me feel whole.
And I don’t ever want to leave.
They tell me I can stay as long as I want or need. To earn my keep, I go with them on what they call “missions”. We go through people’s garbage. We steal. We sell anything that is worth anything. And we buy lots and lots of drugs. Everything you can imagine. It seems everyone has their own DOC. Their Drug Of Choice. Funny it should spell DOC. These drugs do seem to work like a doctor. Like a doctor for the soul. Those pills I took turn out to be ecstasy. “Green Dragonflies” they say. I guess, for now anyway, X is my DOC.
Maybe says that hers is coke.
Jack prefers speed.
The rest of the people fill in everything else.
The young ones mostly stick to weed. Maybe a little X.
The older ones like crack.
Some like H.
Almost everyone does coke.
One night I finally try it. It makes ecstasy seem stupid, its so amazing. Though the high is short, it’s well worth it. I feel SO good. So whole. It’s fucking incredible. Words cannot describe the sensation that I feel. Cocaine becomes my new DOC. Soon, I’m using everyday.
These drugs, they make everything better. Their like little insects, that crawl into your head. They feed off your misery and then give you everything you want. They tell you everything you want to hear. But when their gone…well…that’s when it’s bad. Because that’s when you know how deep down the hole you’ve really fallen.
And you feel like dying.
That’s where Maybe comes in. She’s my real DOC. I love her. I’ve never been in love before this and I’m not sure how to explain how it feels. I just feel this intense connection to her. Like we’ve known each other all our lives. Like we were meant to know each other. I can tell her anything. We stay up late most nights just talking nonsense. Speaking our drug-fueled minds. One night, during one of the dry periods where were both too sober for comfort, just holding each other to help ease the pain, I tell her. And I know this may sound stupid…
And I know its all cliché, like something right out of the movies that makes me feel like the luckiest man in the world. She said she loves me too. That she’d felt this way for a while now, but she’d never felt this way before and was scared to tell me. Scared that she would chase me away.
Now, I don’t know if what she’s saying is true. If she really does love me or not. But right now it doesn’t matter. I can believe her. At least for this moment. I am in love. And all that is important right now is her. No, us.
***
It’s been a month since I’ve been home. A month since I wanted to kill myself. A month since I met Maybe. I’m standing in the sand area of the bridge; the part that goes to the water. Like a beach. I’m not really doing anything…just zoning out.
Jack comes for me. He says we have a “mission” to do. We start walking to the bus station. We get on a bus.
Were going to a “buddy” of mines house.
He raises his eyebrows at the word “buddy”.
His name is Chris and he owes me a good amount of money. Don’t worry about anything. I’m taking care of it. All you’ve got to do is sit, smile, and have a good time.
Turns out that Chris is the main weed dealer in the town we were on our way to. Jack had fronted a roll of twenty pills of X, and Chris had promised to pay him the $150 for it after he had sold all the pills. He was trying to get into selling X as well as weed. He bought such a small amount, I guess, because he just wanted to see if anyone would even buy any first. What I don’t get is why it had been fronted. If he was such a big dealer, surely he would have the $150. But I don’t want to ask. Anyway, apparently, its been two weeks and Jack has tried calling Chris to see if he’s sold them yet. Since there was only twenty pills, selling them should have been easy. But Chris has been ignoring his phone calls and Jack, being the impatient person he is, is tired of Chris “playing games” and sees the need to go all the way to his house to “have a talk”. I’m not sure what he means by that, but I figure it probably isn’t good.
We arrive at his house. Chris seems surprised to see us. Jack tells him that he needs his money and to “stop playing games”. Chris says he doesn’t know anything about “games”, but he has Jack’s money and he had been planning on calling him as soon as he got his phone back from his girlfriend. Jack doesn’t look pleased, but we go inside anyway. Chris offers us beer and we all smoke a couple bowls together. Then, him and Chris go into Chris’s room to “handle business”. I stay in the living room, working on beer number four. When they come out, Jack announces that he will return in a little while, that he has to make a few phone calls. I am to stay here. Chris seems like a pretty cool guy, I’m a bit stoned, and kind of buzzed, so I don’t mind staying.
Its been over half and hour now, and Jack still isn’t back. I’m definitely drunk now. I’ve lost count of how many beers I’ve had. I know its at least eight. There’s a very loud banging sound. I can hear someone yelling but I cant make out what they’re saying.
It’s the police.
I’m now being dragged out of the house and thrown into the police car. There are police dogs everywhere and as we pull away from the house, I see them pulling Chris out of the house as well. I don’t even care. All I can think about is Maybe, and if I’m ever going to see her again.
***
I’m at home. Not my real home under the bridge with maybe, but my old home, with my mom. All I was charged with was “Minor In Possession”. when the police came in, I had been holding a beer. Luckily they believed me when I told them that I had just met Chris that day, and was unaware of his drug trafficking. I spent the weekend in jail and I have to pay a fine. And my mom is guarding the door so I don’t leave. Like that’s going to work. I try calling Jack. He’s the only one in the group with a cell phone.
Hello?
Jack. Its me. Billy. What happened? The cops showed up at Chris’s and we got arrested.
Yeah, sorry about that. Just killing two birds with one stone.
What are you talking about?
Well, I got back at Chris, and I got rid of you.
You called the cops?
Yup.
Why the hell did you do that? And what do you mean you “got rid of” me?
I told Maybe that you didn’t love her anymore. That you said that everything you had ever told her was a lie and that you had decided to leave.
Why?
*Click*
He hung up on me.
I climb out my window and run all the way to the bridge. I don’t see anyone. They must all be on a “mission”, or at a party. But then I hear something.
Hello?
Billy?
Maybe? Is that you?
She is laying near the bushes. She looks pale and she’s crying.
What are you doing here? I thought you left.
No. Jack got me arrested.
He said you hated me.
I don’t hate you. I love you.
She starts to cry more.
What’s wrong?
I took…I took…
She’s not moving.
Maybe? Maybe, wake up!
I pick her up and carry her up to the street.
Someone stops and asks if I need any help.
I tell them that I just found her under the bridge and she needs to get to a hospital. They drive us.
I’m crying and beg Maybe not to die.
Don’t die Maybe. Don’t die.
We run into the hospital and a doctor comes and puts her on one of those beds and wheels her off.
My heart is beating fast and I can barely speak.
The guy that drove us tells the nurse that I found her passed out and we don’t know what’s wrong.
The man leaves and I stay in the waiting room.
About ten minutes later the doctor comes out.
He asks me if there is any family.
I lie, and say that I’m her family.
I’m sorry but, she didn’t make it.
What?
I’m very sorry.
How?
Were not sure yet, but we believe it was an overdose. There was nothing we could do.
I run past them into the room. They’re pulling a sheet over her and pushing her bed out of the room.
I run to her body and uncover the sheet. Even in death, she is still the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach by an elephant. The wind has been knocked out of me. The doctors pull me away. I take the bus to my house. I go into my mothers room; into her drawer; into the box she keeps my fathers things in. I take out his knife, and I run back to the bridge. This time someone is here.
Jack. Just who I wanted to see.
Jack turns around.
What are you doing here?
Maybe’s dead.
Liar.
She killed herself, and its all your fault.
I take the knife from my pocket and before I know it there is blood everywhere and beneath me is Jack. Dead.
I throw the knife into the river and make my way to the street.
***
Its funny I should end it here. Ending with my beginning. I don’t know where I’m going. I just start walking. Before I know it I’m in another town, with other people, other drugs, and other mistakes to make. Running away may be a weak decision, but like I said, I never claimed to be strong. Its times like this when you wish that you could just wake up suddenly; the last few years of your life, just a dream.
I’m crying again. For what? For Maybe? For myself? Because its finally over? Who knows? Its dark. All I can see is the moon.
I close my eyes and think of her. I think of her and her purple hair and her deep blue eyes and how they seemed to glow in the moonlight. I tell her I love her. And I tell her I’m sorry. And I tell her goodbye.
And I let go.

to the floor.

let it all fall to the floor.
let it all fall to the floor.
forgive the mistakes that we have made.
though we know we'll make some more.
strip the walls and let them burn.
throw the ashes in the urn.
just peel away what i have said,
and glue it back into my head.
and just like the tight dress of a whore,
let it all fall to the floor.

let it all fall to the floor.
let it all fall to the floor.
i'll forgive what you have done,
and give you wings to help you soar.
i dont know if i can, but i know that i'll try.
just wipe the tear drops from your eyes.
we'll start new, all clean and fresh.
and scrub away this unnessecary mess.
leaving it empty without a core.
and let it all fall to the floor.

let it all fall to the floor.
let it all fall to the floor.
dont waste your time trying to forget.
fogging your mind with your regrets.
you say that you dont wanna cry no more.
so let it all fall to the floor.

perfect.

i wanna be someone else.
a different body.
a different world.
different hair.
different clothes.
go to a place where nobody knows;
my name.
i'll say the right things.
and be perfect.